i miss you alex

A Short Story by Wy~Lie

i’ve been studying people who leave the planet early & there’s a commonality:  they feel too much or know too much. sometimes at the cost of their well-being. i resonate deeply with those feelings alongside alex, my dear brother who passed away on june 4th, 2023.

i enjoy looking back on nostalgic memories with alex. i cherish those memories and recall them with such clarity. i could reminisce on stories & good times for hours on end. 

alex & i shared an interest in exploring highs. one of my many fond memories with alex was our smoke sessions. sitting in his bed smoking, while watching cartoons into the late hours of the night. alex always rolled the fattest blunts. some smokers are conservative & rightly so, but not alex. he could smoke an ounce in one night while being generous with his supply. 

alex even introduced me to my first real girlfriend. i had my first kiss & other firsts with her all thanks to alex being my wing man. i dated her on & off for a couple of years. alex & i held a similar taste in girls also. he actually had a crush on the girl he set me up with. we sure did a lot of growing up together. 

another vivid memory i hold dearly is an all nighter we pulled at our mutual friend, spencer’s, house for a sleepover in the early days of high school. a core nostalgic memory of smoking on the patio all night into the morning & watching the dew arise on the morning grass. 

a very integral time period with alex was when his parents were getting divorced. he practically lived with us for around 2-3 months. i remember sleeping next to him & playing video games, laughing through the night. he would steal his mom's marlboro light cigarettes & we’d stand by the side of the house or in a nearby creek to take a couple of puffs. even though we weren’t inhaling, it felt cool to watch the smoke be exhaled. 

i often think about his parents. alex’s mom was such a sweetheart. she even let my little brother sleep by her side when he slept over their house & had trouble falling asleep. she was & will always be a great mother with true mother instincts. alex’s dad was a man of nature like his two sons. i will never forget him raising a squirrel & letting it run around in his office. he is an interesting man & i give him credit for opening my eyes even more to the animal kingdom. 

i am intrigued by alex’s older brother, ryan. the lifestyle ryan lives reflects his adventurous, soulful quest. i wonder what his next adventure will be. he is the older brother i never had but always wanted. even in my childhood i remember looking up to ryan, enjoying any moment he would babysit us or let alex & me hangout with him & his friends. since alex’s passing i have bonded a deeper connection with ryan, as we have very similar outlooks on the world, whether it be spirituality, art, philosophy, or poetic sensibility. ryan taught me poetic sensibility, to view the world, even its mundane moments, tastefully, discovering the potency of every situation; to understand experiences beyond words. i feel like a student when in conversation with him, retaining & holding onto every word of the wisdom he holds. ryan also is a writer, & i love to read his words not only for inspiration, but his delivery brings a sense of calmness. i think it’s important ryan was incorporated in this album process. he is featured on the track titled “feels like teen spirit,” in which he gives insight regarding my lonesome feelings while being isolated in atlanta. 

i’m certain alex worked with me on this album from the higher realms. i grew my hair out for this creative process also to embody alex's choices & spirit. he usually let his hair grow long, and that always resembled a sense of freedom to me. “what would alex do?” has been a consistent question i ask myself in times of uncertainty or stress. typically, the answer is to do something peaceful and with a sense of humor. i believe if i were to ask alex, “what should i do?” or “what would you do?,” he'd respond, “let it roll, smoke a joint & carry on” or “it’ll pass in time & things will get better.” then, i can brush off whatever it is & go about the day in a more care free way. there was a bob marley-esque tendency to his reaction to anxious or stressful situations. this helps me because i can be a worrier. 

i’m thankful for alex's peaceful, levelheaded energy. that peaceful yet conflicted energy is carried throughout this album. the music is experimental with sounds & vocal tuning because i think that’s something alex would enjoy. this body of music is an offering to alex in memory and remembrance of our youth. 

being stuck in nostalgia & reminiscing on old times feels like purgatory, like standing in the akashic records after you’ve moved on from this life, looking back on all the memories & choices you made. i believe this chapter of my life is the middle ground of reflection to ultimately bring me closer to my higher self.   

i’m aware alex's passing is not an easy topic to digest or understand, but i believe it was alex’s time to leave this plane of existence. i don’t believe things happen without purpose, and if i believe circumstances & situations happen for a reason it seems unlikely that it would only be for some situations, leaving others to hold no purpose or synchronicity. i believe there’s purpose in all things, even those that cause heartache & great suffering. even though i know he would have been a great husband, father, & role model if he continued his journey on earth, i know he is still alive in a higher form, watching over us & protecting us from the other side. 

i miss you alex, & i will surely see you in another life. until then i will keep your name alive & spread the energy you’ve left with us--a caring, loving, open-minded, non-judgmental, peaceful existence. 

a true artist of life, michael alexander cannon, i love you.